thoughts before a prayer

I am waiting to perform my early evening prayer. As a Muslim, I try to perform 5 prayers a day as the religion requests. Many times I fail, but I try as much as I can to do so. I like the feeling that the prayers give - calmness and collectedness, usually a break from the hectic schedules, or the frazzled state of mind that I get into oftentimes. Today especially, I feel very much in need of these breaks. I am feeling out of balance, my melancholy mood prevails. I need to recapture my heart. I need a dose of calm, of happiness even. I need to get F out of my head. I need to let him be him, and not to depend on him, and his every single action to dictate my mood. Ya Allah, grant me the strength to be less reliant on others to make me happy. Grant me the self-confidence to find happiness on my own. Grant me happiness.

at it again

I have no tbeen posting for a while now, and I think my life has been pretty stable, happy even. I actually met somebody that I really like, and if I were to tell the truth, I probably even love him. It is not the best of circumstances - he lives in a different city, separated by a huge body of water, he works off-shore, and he is married. We started with an online relationship, and the first time we met in person was the night before his wedding. Yes, I always have a way to make my relationships complicated. He made me happy though. He is a simple person, he cares about me, he is honest, and he is funny. It has been more than three years, and one baby. And somehow we have managed to meet up every month or so. It has worked, maybe not perfect, but who has a perfect relationship anyway. Somehow tonight I am missing him, a lot. I think it's because he has been away for nearly three weeks, and with the baby in his life, his focus is very much on the baby. And I am feeling a bit left out. I kept telling myself that I won't come to this point, but here I am. I knew what I was getting into, but i chose to continue. How do I heal my heart?